Picture the scene: you're in a club on a Saturday evening, dancing to Justin Timberlake. Clad in pink heels, snug jeans and a stylish top, a la Sarah Jessica Parker, the kaleidoscope of lights, combined with the gyrating bodies set against the giddy atmosphere makes you believe that you are, like the song says, Bringing Sexy Back.
And then, from the corner of your eye, you spot him. Handsome as sin, he approaches you with a Cheshire cat smile and you know he is bringing sexy back.
As he draws nearer, like a moth to a flame, your heart starts thumping to the tune of the song - the anticipation fuelled by the stranger shrouded in mystique. After what seems like a lifetime, he descends: "Your father must have been a thief because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes."
And in the blink of an eye, the happy bubble bursts. Crash. Boom! BANG!
Despite - or perhaps because of - being a (moderately) happy single for the past two years, I just don't get men, or dating, or pick-up lines. One of the first lessons my grandmother taught me was that first impressions last. And an unoriginal, cheesy, outdated pick-up line sadly does not impress me, or any thinking woman, much.
This, I suppose, is more than I can say for some other pick-up lines which just depress me:
"I'm new in town can I have directions to your house?"
"Your father must have been a chilli because you're so hot."
"Either I've died and gone to Heaven or Heaven must be missing an angel."
"Your parents must be retarded because you're special."
While researching this column, one of my colleagues relayed a line a taxi driver used on her: "Meisie jy het 'n gesonde paar longe, kom haal hier asem."
The general consensus is that we don't like pick-up lines and on a personal note, if you're going to compliment me, try focusing on something that's not obvious. "I like your hair" does not do it for me, especially as you can't miss the burning bush!
Understandably, approaching anyone you find attractive takes a lot of courage because you could easily be met with rejection, sarcasm or a beverage in your face. (Yes I've done that but it wasn't because of a bad pick-up line. Although, you never know, so beware.) Grabbing her behind or pulling her to dance with you also doesn't work. Me no Jane, you no Tarzan. Kapish?
Instead, approach a woman with a certain measure of confidence and truck loads of respect - a deadly combination which she'll be intrigued with. Then smile and ask a question that will either invite conversation (and, no, "How's the weather?" doesn't count) or make her smile, if the situation allows it.
If you absolutely have to resort to a line, use something that, pardon the pun, will bowl her off her feet. Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back, whisper like you're telling her a secret and say: "I find you very attractive and I'd like to know if you want to do anything about it."
If I were her, I'd at least consider lining up for more?